Goodnight Gracie

It should be pretty obvious by now that I don't blog much anymore and I don't read much of anyone else's blog. Life is busy and this blog is no longer the productive outlet it once was. I'll leave it up for now. Hopefully there are some good bits of information in there that might be useful to someone. Good luck to you all in finding what you are searching for.

Respect

This post is in response to blog posts and comments made by various bloggers. I am finding there is a mentality among some of "this is how I think and if you don't like it, screw you." I get it, I have been there. I spent the first 21 years of my life with that attitude. But I would like to encourage more of an openness and willingness to accept those of varying opinions, even those of what might be described as a wrong or harmful opinion.

I believe that we, as a community, are looking for acceptance. We want some sort of validation from those we love and also from the general public, whether it be by accepting gay marriage, or allowing gays in the military, or even something as simple as being open about one's sexuality without fear of repercussion. We march on Washington for our rights, yet we scrutinize and criticize the words and actions of those who disagree with us. We become everything we dislike about our oppressors (ok, oppressors is a pretty strong word, but doesn't it add a little flair!).

To those who are of the opinion, "If they don't like who I am then I probably don't want them as a friend anyway," think of the times that someone close to you made an offensive comment simply because they did not know any better. Did we love them or leave them? We can not EXPECT change. We must FIGHT for change. We must show COMPASSION to those who despise us the most. We must LOVE those who do not love us. We must BREAK DOWN THE WALLS that we are continuing to build.

I had an experience recently where one of my friends made a comment that I took great offense to. At first, I lashed out. I couldn't believe the inappropriateness. But after thinking about it for a day or so, I realized that my friend was merely making a comment based on her perception of the situation within her reality. I begged for forgiveness of my lashing out and when we further discussed her comment, it turns out that her intention of the comment was far different from my interpretation of the comment. If I had written this friend off immediately, neither of us would have had the opportunity to learn and grow from each other. We educated each other by working through our differences with love and respect.

I encourage each of you in your personal endeavors to maintain a spirit of love and understanding. I hope that we can each become positive influences in the lives of those around us.

Reminder

Every now and again I just need a reminder of what I know. I know that God exists. I know that he loves me. I know that he loves you. I know that Christ died for all sin, including my sins. I know that I can be forgiven. I know that prayer is real and that we can speak with God on a very personal level and receive the answers and strength we seek.

To those who have given up or lost hope or feel like they are fighting a losing battle, "fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." (Isaiah 41:10)

Wow, today isn't even fast sunday...which reminds me, I'm hungry. Later.

I've been recruited by...Clint??

Okay, I admit it. I'm a little jealous. I'm a little jealous of all the moho's that gathered at Scott and Sarah's yesterday for some gay movie watching. I hope you had fun, but for my sake, just tell me it was miserable so that my jealousy can be quelled.

In order to compensate for my unavailability to fly to UT, I decided to have my own gay movie watching night. About four months ago, Clint blogged about the movie Milk. For those of you not familiar, it is about Harvey Milk, an openly gay elected official in San Francisco during the 1970's. When I first read Clint's post, I wasn't too enthralled by the power of the message. It seemed like a nice post and all, but it didn't move me to stand up and proclaim my gayness from a watchtower. But it did intrigue me enough to want to watch the movie.

After watching the movie, though, the power of the message truly comes to light. The main political battle that Milk and his supporters fought against was protecting the basic rights of homosexuals. More specifically, maintaining laws that protect an individual from losing their job solely on the basis of sexuality. Perceptions, stereotypes and myths about homosexuals were rampant among the general population. Harvey Milk knew that the best way to change how people felt about the gay population was to show every person that someone in their life they know and love is gay. And so he says:

“On this anniversary of Stonewall, I ask my gay sisters and brothers to make the commitment to fight. For themselves, for their freedom, for their country ... We will not win our rights by staying quietly in our closets ... We are coming out to fight the lies, the myths, the distortions. We are coming out to tell the truths about gays, for I am tired of the conspiracy of silence, so I'm going to talk about it. And I want you to talk about it. You must come out. Come out to your parents, your relatives.”

I have been going back and forth a lot lately as to how open I want to be with my sexuality. Some days I don't want anyone to know, other days I want to tell everyone in sight. It's pretty safe to say that I'll end up somewhere in the middle. But I do think it's important to let at least those close to me know that I am gay. Even some members of my family and close friends hold misconceptions of what it means to be gay. If I can help to cultivate understanding and tolerance, than I am more than happy to out myself to those who need that understanding.

Would you like bacon with that?

Funny moment today. I recently discovered the joy of Burger King, especially the Whopper. I stopped there for lunch today and the drive thru line was long, so I actually took the time to read the menu. Here's a little excerpt of what I read:

Whopper $2.29
Some other Burger $2.69
Another Burger $2.49
.
.
.
(and hidden in the lower left hand corner of the menu)
.
Veggie Burger $2.29
Add cheese $0.50
Add bacon $0.50

Someone in marketing must not have read over this display because I don't know anyone ordering a veggie burger with cheese and bacon.

Inside Out

My life has been hectic lately. My mind has been all over the place. But it reached a new peak this last Thursday. Around 11:00 am, during my first bathroom break of the day, I realized that I was wearing my underwear inside out. I know some guys do that on purpose, in order to get an extra day or two of mileage before having to do laundry. But I am not one of those people. I think I'm only one or two hectic levels away from forgetting to put on my pants before leaving the house. If I do that, hopefully I will have my underwear on the right way. Boy would that be embarrassing if people saw me with my underwear inside out. :)

For all of you watching GC this weekend, I hope you get something good out of it. If anything stands out, let me know.

The Peacegiver

A wonderful friend of mine gave me book for Christmas called The Peacegiver, by James L. Ferrell. (Side note: Said friend did not warn me well enough in advance that she was getting me a gift, whereby I had nothing to give her in return. I still feel bad about that one. Good thing she knows I love her.) She is a die-hard bookworm and I am not much of a reader. But if she was recommending it, than read it I shall.

It only took me about 3 months to get through the 200 page book. I'd say I made pretty good time. The first half of the book was terrible. Well, not terrible, but I wanted to pull the lead character out of the book and strangle him for being whiny. Dude, you are talking to your dead grandfather...shut up and listen to the man!!

Anyway, the last section is about the Atonement. The whiny guy, not so whiny at this point in the book, and his grandfather are witnessing the scene in the Garden of Gethsemane. It contained beautifully descriptive insights about what exactly the Savior did for us. I want to recite a few paragraphs for you of the grandfather speaking to his grandson:

"This night in Gethsemane, the Lord is taking upon himself all of the specific chains that bind and lead you captive. [...] [H]e will provide the way for you to break free [...]. Your rage, your disappointment, your despair--the Lord will overcome all tonight and forge for you a new heart--clean, pure, undefiled, free.

And he does the same for all--the addict, the abuser, the chronic complainer, those whose spirits are depressed. His struggle tonight is for all of mankind, but only because it was for each of us, individually and specifically.

[...] [P]raise be to God! [...] The Savior has withstood in the aggregate what no man has been able to withstand individually: He refused to submit to Satan's will even though he was fully subject to it. Even with all the mortal effects of our sins heaped upon and pulling at him, and with Satan and his hosts attempting to drag him down by that power to sin, the Savior was able to withstand and resist.

The captivity of sin has been broken! The Lord God Almighty has risen with healing in his wings. He stretches forth his arms to the world, feeling after them with his Holy Spirit. He comes to each of us, posing the question he posed to Jonah, pleading with us, as Abigail did, to forgive, and literally dying to give us his Spirit and the new heart he has forged that will free us from the chains of our sins. If we harden not our hearts and stiffen not our necks against him, he will facilitate the breaking of our sinful, stony hearts and will give us what Ezekiel called his new heart of flesh, saving us from all our uncleannesses. This is the miracle of Gethsemane."

I make mistakes daily. Sometimes hourly. I am so grateful to know that someone loves me so much that he was willing to perform an act of incomprehensible agony just to give me the opportunity to become clean. I think I owe it to my Savior to ensure that the opportunity is not wasted.

God in this Moment

I visited Ryan's page earlier today and noticed that he had a musician on his profile that I really like. I was going to suggest another artist to him that he might enjoy, but why limit my suggestion to one person when I can make a post out of it. I went to Youtube to find a video to post and came across a song by this artist that I had never heard before. It's amazing. And it kind moves through stages of belief that I think a lot of us go through. Without further ado, please enjoy Mr. Gavin Mikhail's God in this Moment.

Meant for Greatness

For a while, I thought I was the only one. But lately, it seems to be more and more of a common theme among us gays. Do you feel like you are meant to be something more than you are? That God has this amazing plan laid out for you. That one day people are going to look to you as a source of knowledge, or hope, or inspiration. Am I even restricting that question too much? Do straight people feel that way as well?

I have been thinking about being in that place greatness. How it might feel when I get there. What exactly "there" is. But it sort of hit me today. I am not currently there. I am here. And a very large gap exists between here and there. So now I am wondering what the gap consists of. What are the obstacles I will need to overcome and the lessons I will need to learn in order to get to where I expect to be. As much as I would like to try and convince other people that I am perfect, I do have a lot of areas that I can improve upon.

So instead of lingering on the grandiosity of what could be, I should be focusing on what I can improve upon today (and maybe tomorrow as well...a little planning never hurt). I found a nice quote by Orson Hyde:

"Remember that God, our heavenly Father, was perhaps once a child, and mortal like we ourselves, and rose step by step in the scale of progress, in the school of advancement; has moved forward and overcome, until He has arrived at the point where He now is."

Um, wow. So I guess I never really comprehended that the ultimate goal was to become a God. Hmm. That's even a little more than I had envisioned for myself. Sounds intense. I had better get started.

For all those who aren't really sure what they are meant for, here's a little song to get you motivated.

Human Capacity

Have you ever reached your limit? Have you ever gotten to point where you say, "That's it. I'm done. There is absolutely nothing else I can accomplish. I have physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally maxed out." If you could answer yes to that question, you would have been translated by now. Looks like you are still here, so read on.

We are capable of so much, more than we can fathom. Every day we become something greater than we currently are. I didn't say better, I said greater. Daily we make choices, we make mistakes, we have victories, we are filled with experiences. We build a wealth of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and knowledge and that provide the basis for future actions.

Whether at work or in our personal life, we are given or take on tasks. Many times we feel overwhelmed with the obligations that are upon us. Sometimes we fail, but we can learn from our mistakes, and when the challenge arises again we can apply what we already learned. Sometimes we succeed and very often we look back and think, "How in the world did I accomplish that." And then before you know it something even bigger and more difficult rears its head and we again are thinking, "How in the world am I going to accomplish that?"

You are a child of God. You have the best spiritual genes possible. If you were a child of Apollo, Zeus, Thor, Bacchus or one of the may other gods, you might only have limited options as to what you can become. But you are a child of God, and your possibilities are limitless.

I am not a struggler

Here is a list of things I struggle with:

(1) My job
(2) People with nasty habits, like biting your nails and spitting it on the ground...in public...in an office...at work--Who does that???
(3) Other people's driving skills (or lack thereof)...my skills are exceptional, by the way
(4) Needles...my mama always told me I would make a terrible drug addict because I can't stand needles
(5) Seeing girls' cracks when their pants are too low
(6) Smashmouth
(7) Physics
(8) Will & Grace being gone for years now and no quality show featuring a gay character to take it's place
(9) Camping...and enjoying it
(10) Capri pants...especially the kind for men

Notice anything about that list. Or something that didn't make the list. My sexuality. I do not currently nor do I think I have ever considered myself to "struggle" with my sexuality. I think it's a little funny how many people have prayed for their homosexual feelings to be taken from them. I have never done that. Instead, when I was younger, I prayed really really hard that God would send me a really hot man for me to kiss, just to check and see. It didn't quite work out. I think God was too busy taking away your gayness. Oh, wait...looks like he didn't get to you either. Sorry.

Instead of struggling with my sexuality, I instead choose to embrace the parts of my life that have been improved because of my feelings for men. I am a great listener (because I never wanted to talk about myself). I have become much more compassionate to the "outcasts" of the world (because I was/am an outcast). I can tell my male friends when they are wearing a truly awful shirt that would act as a repellent to the opposite sex (ladies, I can help you, too...see #'s 5 and 10 above).

I just don't struggle with my sexuality. I might have a day where I debate "Oh, should I tell this person about me." Or think, "Geez, I think that guy is cute. God, can I take back my promise for about an hour?" But my sexuality is turning me into something beautiful, and confident, and powerful. And I couldn't imagine it any other way.

New Year, New Queer

Happy New Year!! I guess it is time for me to make my New Year's resolutions. I generally try to avoid putting my resolutions in writing so that I can easily forget them and never have to wallow in the failure of not completing them. But this year, I am not only going to write them down, I going to publish them so that you all can hold me accountable.

1. Join a sports team. A few people know that I have been mulling over the idea of joining a gay soccer team. I'm still undecided on that one, but even if that doesn't happen, I have a pending invite for a volleyball team with some friends or I could start a softball team over the summer.

2. Gain 10 pounds...and keep it. Yeah, I meant what I said. I'm ultra skinny and it is near impossible for me to gain weight. But I'm going to try again. I tried to gain weight in college, and it worked for a little while. But I got sick, didn't eat for two days, lost the 8 pounds I gained, and never started my eating regime again.

3. Read a book. This probably seems really easy to all of you, but I am a "I'd rather see the movie" kind of person.

4. Don't read Twilight (or watch the movie). Enough said.

5. Compose two songs, music and lyrics.

6. Get a limited use recommend and do baptisms at the temple.

7. Do something you have never done before.

8. Take a picture of something breathtaking (a picture of yourself doesn't count!!)

9. Perform an act of service for someone else and don't let them know.

Okay, in honor of 2009, I'm stopping at #9. Wish me luck.

Happy Holiday!

To all the moho's and friends of moho's and people who stumbled upon this blog accidentally and are frantically hitting the back button on their browser...Merry Christmas!!!

This could be an interesting Christmas for me. I am still fairly early in the coming out process. I have told less than ten people. But I have convinced myself to come out to at least three people over the holidays, one of which is a sibling. Scary! Although when I say "convinced," I actually mean I hope to but know that there is a good chance I will back out.

Anyway, hope you all have a great holiday!!

Quick Quote

I try to a keep a copy of the Ensign laying around the house either next to my bed, on the coffee table, or somewhere visible and accessible so that when I have a few minutes I can read an article or two. This morning I was skimming an article while eating breakfast and a few lines really jumped out at me. It is from the October 2008 Ensign and is actually a repeat of a talk given by President Harold B. Lee from the April 1973 Conference and is titled Stand Ye in Holy Places:

"You cannot lift another soul until you are standing on higher ground than he is. You must be sure, if you would rescue the man, that you yourself are setting the example of what you would have him be. You cannot light a fire in another soul unless it is burning in your own soul."

My prayer today is to attain that burning in my soul and to attain that "higher ground" so that I can lift another if ever I am needed.

Gay to the Core [of my brain]

Disclaimer: Before you read further, be aware that this is an opinionated post, substantiated by no facts, no references, and no research. Ninety-eight point seven percent of readers experience discomfort, irritation, nausea, and bloating. If you experience any of the first three symptoms, take a chill pill. If you experience bloating, I know how that feels and I extend my deepest apologies.

My dear friend Scott published a wonderful post entitled Gay to the Core on whether being gay is a choice or a "core characteristic," as he puts it. I will not go into detail on his thoughts but I would ask that you read the post as it is well thought out and presented.

I do not wish to comment on what the right or wrong answer is; the scientists and philosophers can hash that out. I believe that there is truth in bits and pieces of each argument. What I would like to discuss is the category that I believe I fall into and some specific and general reasoning.

In most circles of debate, there are two arguments presented, most commonly known as "Nature" and "Nurture." Either you made a conscious decision to be gay or you were born that way. As Scott pointed out, there is a third option: you subconsciously made the decision to be gay. This is the category that I believe I fall into. I apologize in advance for any lack of eloquence.

I have known I was attracted to men since about the age of eight or nine. Most of my friends did not "know" they were attracted to girls until about 12 or 13. I would think that if sexuality were a core characteristic, that it would manifest in a parallel time frame. (Yes, I know that argument is weak. I would be interested, though, to know if any studies have been done as to what the average age is that homosexual children and heterosexual children identify themselves as such)

From a psychological standpoint, one argument for the cause of sexuality is that a male infant needs to make an emotional connection with an adult male, generally a father, by the third year of his life. My father readily admits that he was not around much when I was a baby because he was busy finishing school and working. I carried a resentment for my father throughout my entire childhood and adolescence. I had no basis for this resentment. My father was supportive and positive. Most boys would have loved to have him as their dad.

Because my father and I did not create that bond during my infancy, I believe that I subconsciously made the choice to seek the attention and love of men. Interestingly enough, I also believe that from year 3 to approximately year 8, I had ample time to bond with my father and possibly reverse my subconscious decision, but I consciously made choices to deny the love of my father.

In addition to my subconscious decision, I do believe that there are certain inherent traits that can dispose a person to be more vulnerable to homosexuality. I have always been skinny. Because of my body type, American culture, in general, views me as less masculine. This assumption may have caused my more masculine counterparts to treat me as if I didn't belong. It may have caused the women in my life to treat me with more sensitivity than they would a masculine boy. Because the the boys don't treat me like one of the boys, but the girls treat me like one of the girls, a subconscious inclination might be to associate with female desires or aspirations.

Okay, now for the tough part. This is not meant to offend anyone, it is just a general observation. I feel like to too many people say that they were born gay without taking time to analyze their life because it is the easy way out. Because if they were born gay, you can't hold anything against them. You can't make jokes at them, you can't discriminate against them, you can't withhold love from them. It isn't their fault so you can't fault them. But what these people don't understand, is that even if they made the choice to be gay, whether it was subconscious or conscious, they probably made it at such a young age that they could not realize what the choice was or how it would effect their life.

Finally, I must say that I don't really care what the answer is. Whether Scott is completely right or I am partially right or we are all out in left field, it doesn't matter. I am gay. I am a man attracted to other men. Through my life experiences related to this attraction, I have learned patience, understanding, empathy, and perserverance, as well as the openness and desire to trust and rely on my Heavenly Father.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for (in no particular order)...

1) Family, especially my parents. My parents and I have butted heads on more than few occasions. But I know they are always looking out for my best interest. Their unconditional love is a source of strength in my life.

2) Friends, especially YOU (don't tell anyone else I said you were my favorite). I have some of the most amazing, loving, supportive friends. Even when we go for months without talking, we always pick up right where we left off.

3) Employment. These are tough economic times. Several of my co-workers have been laid off. I oftentimes times feel overwhelmed and dissatisfied with my requirements of my job, but I am always grateful for a consistent source of income.

(Pardon the interruption for this announcement. It is Thanksgiving Day and I have rolls to bake and good food to eat so I'm going to make the rest of these brief.

4) Music

5) Tithing (I'll follow up later with a post about this one)

6) Jesus Christ. Though I may not fully comprehend the Savior or what he has done for me, I am truly grateful for his life and his sacrifice.

7) Toilet paper

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! Feel free to share your "Thankfuls" in the comment section.

My Heart is Heavy

Before I started this blog, I debated in my own mind as to whether I would use my words for political activism. I made the decision that I wanted my message to convey love, understanding, enlightenment, hope, and goodness of the gospel, and also to make people smile along the way. It was obvious to me that the politics of life carry too much danger for misunderstanding and contention.

Over the past few months, the political climate has intensified, seemingly forcing people to choose sides and defend their positions as if it was a battle between life and death. I have been bombarded with opinions, arguments, justifications, and examples from both sides of the fence. I have received the mass e-mails. I have seen the blog posts. I have read hundreds, maybe thousands, of comments that have encompassed the world wide web.

My heart is heavy. Words of hate have been shared. Fingers of accusation have been pointed. Respect for one another, as sons and daughters of a magnificent Heavenly Father, has dissipated.

I love my friend who decided to write a discourse about why the acceptance of homosexuality is ruining the fabric of our society. I love my friend who attended a rally on Capitol Hill to support his belief that he and his same-sex partner have the right to marry. I may not agree with one or the other. I may not agree with either. But my opinion does not change the fact that I love each of them as a child of God and as my friend. No matter their convictions, or beliefs, or political stance, I love them.

Please, my friends, continue fighting for what you believe, whatever that may be. Take action. Do not back down for something that you feel so passionately about. But please, stop the personal attacks. Stop the insults. And for goodness sake, stop the exclamation points!!! Tell someone that you love them before you disagree with their stance.

Reader's Digest

Because I mentioned Reader's Digest in the previous post, I decided to check out the joke section of their website and came across this little gem. Hope it makes you laugh.

Lisp

The boss placed a sign directly over the sink in the men's room at work. It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day when the boss went to the men's room, he saw another sign had been placed immediately above the soap dispenser. It read: "Thoap!"

Laughter, the Best Medicine

I think I stole my post title from Reader's Digest. I loved reading the real life stories humor section in that magazine.

As I have been perusing the moho blogs, a common theme among too many of them is a lack of humor. Personally, I enjoy finding humor in seemingly uneventul situations and conversations. I take a lot of pride in being aware of the awkward moments that I observe and am a part of so that I can relay those stories to my friends and cheer up someone's day. I was talking with a wonderful friend of mine tonight and was reminded of one of these awkward moments.

Back in the day, when I was completely and totally in the closet, my one and only openly gay friend asked me to go to the club where he danced (half-naked). He knew I was more than a little frieked out. When we walked in, he started introducing me to everyone by saying, "Hey guys, this is my friend, he's straight and he's mormon so hands off." So I was known as the straight mormon for the rest of the night and no guys hit on me. However, for any of you that have ever been to the gay clubs, you have probably noticed that are at least several, if not many, straight women. One of these poor girls obviously had way too many gay friends and was a bit starved for a straight man's attention. She walked right up to me and said, "Hey, you're straight right? You wanna see my boobs?" as she gripped the bottom of her shirt ready to rip off her clothing. I was more than a little shocked and all I could manage to say was, "Um, no thank you?"

Ha! If only the straight guys knew what they could get at the gay clubs, they wouldn't be so homophobic.

Conference Quotes

I downloaded all the conference talks from the October 2008 General Conference onto my iPod. I have been listening to them on the way to work in the mornings. I just thought I would share a few of the quotes that I really enjoyed.


From You Know Enough by Elder Neil L. Anderson (one of my favorites so far...read the whole thing if you get a chance!!)

"Our spiritual journey is the process of a lifetime. We do not know everything in the beginning or even along the way. Our conversion comes step-by-step, line upon line. We first build a foundation of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. We treasure the principles and ordinances of repentance, baptism, and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. We include a continuing commitment to prayer, a willingness to be obedient, and an ongoing witness of the Book of Mormon."

"At times, the Lord’s answer will be, 'You don’t know everything, but you know enough'—enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right."

"Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith."


From The Infinite Power of Hope by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us."


From Come What May, and Love It by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

“[C]ome what may, and love it.”

"[L]earn to laugh."

"The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.”


That's all for now. I'll post more once I have listened to a few more talks.