Ex. It is a powerful prefix. It signifies the end of something significant. For most people, ex- is probably not a good prefix. It comes with betrayal, or pain, or memories that you would like to erase. For some, though, it can be a blessing.
Back when I was attending grad school, no one knew of my same sex attraction except for my parents and one friend from high school. My parents and my friend, as loving and understanding as they were, just didn’t know how to approach the situation and left me feeling very alone and unloved. I desperately wanted a gay man in my life that I could be friends with. I had a strong desire to connect with someone whom I could be completely honest and who could understand my struggles. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a boyfriend or a partner, just someone who I could have an emotional connection with.
Like all closeted gay men, I took my cause to the internet. I tried to find support groups, but found nothing. I tried chat rooms, but found nothing. I tried personals, but found nothing. My problem, I thought, was that I was too picky. But I only had three things on my list and I thought there had to be someone out there with these three things: (1) must be spiritual, (2) must not do drugs (including smoking), and (3) must not drink. Concerning the first item, I did not care whether this person was Christian, like myself, or Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. A specific religion did not matter. I just wanted them to have a belief in a power more powerful than any of us.
Finally, after way too much searching, I came across Mike (the name has been changed). Mike’s profile listed three things: (1) Buddhist, (2) Didn’t smoke, (3) Didn’t drink. Perfect!!! My new friend. I contacted Mike and we started e-mailing back and forth. Mike was pretty cool and we soon started chatting on-line. Chatting turned into phone calls. And eventually we both built up the courage to meet each other. That was one of the scariest moments, but that’s another story. Ask me later if you want to hear it.
Mike and I become friends. I love Mike’s company. He’s masculine but he’s sensitive, he’s a great listener, and he’s genuinely interested in my life. This is perfect, I think. I have a really cool friend who I can just be myself around.
Well, pretty soon after we start hanging out, Mike and I start to cuddle a little bit. Okay, cool, fine. We’re both gay, we cuddle, no big deal. Soon after that there is some hand holding, a little kissing, and a whole lot of time being spent together. All of the sudden, I have a boyfriend. Wow. That sort of just happened.
All the while that Mike and my relationship is progressing, I have this constant nagging in my mind saying, “You aren’t supposed to be doing this.” I ignore it. It’s probably just me being worried about what my friends will think. Another similar message comes, “You aren’t supposed to be in this relationship.” Again I ignore the message. I’m probably just worried about my parents disowning me. It doesn’t matter, I’m a grown man. But over and over in my mind the message persists.
I don’t want to admit to myself, but I know why the thoughts persist in my mind. I know what my parents taught me in my childhood and I know what my church teaches me on a weekly basis. My relationship was in direct contradiction to everything that I was raised to be. At this time in my life, though, I did not have faith in the teachings of my parents. I did not have a testimony in the beliefs of my church nor did I care to have one. I had never truly desired to pray to God to know if my church was true because I feared that the answer would be yes, it is true, and that I would have to abandon my hopes of finding a same sex partner to share my life with. However, as much as I feared giving up my desires for a relationship, I feared even more that I was living a lifestyle contradictory to the will of God and that my punishment in the life to come would be far worse than anything I could comprehend.
Finally, after months of internal struggle, I broke off the relationship with Mike. It was difficult. Incredibly difficult. And worst of all, I had no one to turn to. My parents wouldn’t want to know that I had been dating someone. I didn’t want my parents to know, either. I spent the next year or so in limbo. I swore off men. I didn’t date. I didn’t even want to date. My breakup was painful. I didn’t want to go through it again. I didn’t want to put someone else through it again.
I was still scared, though, and couldn’t bring myself to indulge in spiritual upliftment. Finally, about a year later, I made a decision. I could be in a same sex relationship as long as I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the church I was raised in, and the teachings of my childhood were not true. I decided that for a few months, I would be totally committed to finding out God’s plan. I read the scriptures every. I said prayers every day. I attended church every week and even made it to some social gatherings my church sponsored. I was completely and totally immersed in finding truth.
After one month, not too much was different, but I hadn’t determined yet that the church was not true. After two months, I still didn’t feel like I had a testimony, but things seemed to be going well enough in my life, so I kept going. Three months, four months passed. I was waiting for a defining moment to slap me across the face and say “Hey!! This is your answer.” It didn’t come. But somewhere along the way, I realized that the worst case scenario had happened…I accidentally started believing in my church.
I have wondered a few times if I ever should have contacted Mike. Should I have e-mailed him? Should I have called him? Should I have met him? Should I have dated him? Every time the answer is YES!! Ok, that might not have come across very well. I am not saying to all the gay men out there that you need to date someone in order to determine what kind of life you want to live. But Mike changed my life.
Mike spoke to me often about releasing myself and accepting who I am. I am sure I told him what a ridiculous notion that was, but looking back, I think he was right. I am still in the process of accepting who I am. But I know that I am a child a God. I am on this earth to learn, and to grow, and to be example to others. God has a plan for me.
There is a great quote that I first heard in the movie Coach Carter. It goes:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
A Return To Love - Marianne Williamson
I have an ex that is a blessing in my life. I will forever be grateful to him for his kindness and his understanding.
Namaste.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Perfection
One of my biggest struggles in life is to accept that I'm not perfect. For a long, long time, I was held captive by thinking, "If I can't do everything just right, then I may as well not try to do anything right." I would get so down on myself when I did something that I knew was wrong that I would just continue my wrong ways, because in my mind, hope was already lost on me.
I heard this quote recently and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I repeat it to myself multiples times each day:
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
–Confucius
I heard this quote recently and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I repeat it to myself multiples times each day:
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
–Confucius
Monday, August 25, 2008
Freedom Flight
I was flying across the country today, as I have done many times in the last few months, and I had a new experience. I have been bogged down lately by the stresses of work and temptations and my own shortcomings, so my hope was just to watch a good movie, eat some snacks, and forget my worries for a few hours.
First, a nice gentleman sat down next to me and started up a conversation. I am a pretty shy person and don't generally initiate or engage in long conversations with strangers, but it has been my goal lately to try to hold down decent conversations with people and be a little more outgoing. We talked about work and flying and a few other things and it was a pleasant start to the flight.
Next, I chose to watch The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. It was a decent enough movie. Nothing spectacular. I wouldn't have wanted to pay $10 to see it in a theater, but for a free movie on a plane, I can't complain.
After the movie, I only had a about an hour until we landed, so there was no point in starting a another movie. I browsed the music options available. For the last the few weeks I have been listening to the lastest Counting Crows album. I would have to say it is a pretty solid pick. But brand new on this flight was the option to listen to the new Coldplay album, Viva la Vida. I have always been a fan of Coldplay and I heard really good things about this new album, so it was an easy choice for me to make. I touch the screen for the first song to begin, and it's an instrumental piece called Life in Technicolor. It is very calm and relaxing and just makes you melt into your chair.
At the same that the song starts playing, I experience something on the plane that I have either never experienced or never realized that I was experiencing. Always on a plane, I feel like the engines are pushing us through the air. There is always a force behind the action. But all of the sudden, the engines went quiet and plane just glided through the air. We were thousands of feet off the ground, beginning a slow, gentle descent back to the earth, and this soothing Coldplay song was the chorus of our journey.
For a moment, I felt free. I felt empowered. I felt significant. I felt strength. I felt hope. I felt everything that I have been lacking for the last 5 months.
Sometimes in life, we have engines that push us. Some engines can be good. Our parents may push us to be self sufficient. Our teachers may push us to learn more than we think possible (or necessary). We may push ourselves to become more outgoing or more friendly. Other engines can be bad, though. We may have friends that push us to drink or do drugs. We may have temptations that to push us to act on feelings that we know we shouldn't. We may have a coy little engine called doubt, that pushes us to believe that we are not good enough, or strong enough, or worthy enough.
Let me encourage everyone to take a minute and turn off your engines. ALL of them, even the good ones. Take a minute to glide. And while you are gliding, ponder about what engines you want to turn back on. What forces do you want to drive you?
I know this metaphor was a little cheesy, but I hope you get the idea. If anyone takes me up on my advice, let me how it turns out for you.
First, a nice gentleman sat down next to me and started up a conversation. I am a pretty shy person and don't generally initiate or engage in long conversations with strangers, but it has been my goal lately to try to hold down decent conversations with people and be a little more outgoing. We talked about work and flying and a few other things and it was a pleasant start to the flight.
Next, I chose to watch The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. It was a decent enough movie. Nothing spectacular. I wouldn't have wanted to pay $10 to see it in a theater, but for a free movie on a plane, I can't complain.
After the movie, I only had a about an hour until we landed, so there was no point in starting a another movie. I browsed the music options available. For the last the few weeks I have been listening to the lastest Counting Crows album. I would have to say it is a pretty solid pick. But brand new on this flight was the option to listen to the new Coldplay album, Viva la Vida. I have always been a fan of Coldplay and I heard really good things about this new album, so it was an easy choice for me to make. I touch the screen for the first song to begin, and it's an instrumental piece called Life in Technicolor. It is very calm and relaxing and just makes you melt into your chair.
At the same that the song starts playing, I experience something on the plane that I have either never experienced or never realized that I was experiencing. Always on a plane, I feel like the engines are pushing us through the air. There is always a force behind the action. But all of the sudden, the engines went quiet and plane just glided through the air. We were thousands of feet off the ground, beginning a slow, gentle descent back to the earth, and this soothing Coldplay song was the chorus of our journey.
For a moment, I felt free. I felt empowered. I felt significant. I felt strength. I felt hope. I felt everything that I have been lacking for the last 5 months.
Sometimes in life, we have engines that push us. Some engines can be good. Our parents may push us to be self sufficient. Our teachers may push us to learn more than we think possible (or necessary). We may push ourselves to become more outgoing or more friendly. Other engines can be bad, though. We may have friends that push us to drink or do drugs. We may have temptations that to push us to act on feelings that we know we shouldn't. We may have a coy little engine called doubt, that pushes us to believe that we are not good enough, or strong enough, or worthy enough.
Let me encourage everyone to take a minute and turn off your engines. ALL of them, even the good ones. Take a minute to glide. And while you are gliding, ponder about what engines you want to turn back on. What forces do you want to drive you?
I know this metaphor was a little cheesy, but I hope you get the idea. If anyone takes me up on my advice, let me how it turns out for you.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Tidbits
It's been awhile since my last post. Life has been CRAZY! I have been on a spiritual and emotional roller coaster. I'm going to make this post short and simple with just a few tidbits I have learned lately.
1) A supportive family makes a world of difference.
2) Coming out is a form of therapy. I have started telling close friends and relatives about my SGA. Some of them think that I come out to them so that they can know. I think that coming out is more beneficial to me than to them because it allows me to free myself from secrets and lies.
3) Gay events are awesome. They are decorated to perfection, have amazing food, and everybody loves to hug.
4) Everybody struggles. I used to think that I was only person who had major problems. Believe me, everybody has problems. I have found that listening to my friends' struggles and trying to give advice has also helped me to find solutions to my own trials.
5) Rain is cleansing. Every time it rains, think of it as a clean slate. (sorry for those of you living in the desert)
6) Read Alma 7 and tell me what you think.
7) Keep your life clean and organized. A neat bedroom or a clean bathroom really can make your days better.
8) Minimize the "downtime." We all have moments where we throw up our hands in frustration and think "I give up!" The key is to not let those thoughts or emotions linger. When you fall off the horse, you can cry about it for an hour and then get back on, or you can immediately get back on. It's the same result.
9) Set goals. If you aren't a goal person, set easy ones at first to get you started. Then gradually increase the level of difficulty.
10) "Sell buy" dates on cheese are not an exact science.
1) A supportive family makes a world of difference.
2) Coming out is a form of therapy. I have started telling close friends and relatives about my SGA. Some of them think that I come out to them so that they can know. I think that coming out is more beneficial to me than to them because it allows me to free myself from secrets and lies.
3) Gay events are awesome. They are decorated to perfection, have amazing food, and everybody loves to hug.
4) Everybody struggles. I used to think that I was only person who had major problems. Believe me, everybody has problems. I have found that listening to my friends' struggles and trying to give advice has also helped me to find solutions to my own trials.
5) Rain is cleansing. Every time it rains, think of it as a clean slate. (sorry for those of you living in the desert)
6) Read Alma 7 and tell me what you think.
7) Keep your life clean and organized. A neat bedroom or a clean bathroom really can make your days better.
8) Minimize the "downtime." We all have moments where we throw up our hands in frustration and think "I give up!" The key is to not let those thoughts or emotions linger. When you fall off the horse, you can cry about it for an hour and then get back on, or you can immediately get back on. It's the same result.
9) Set goals. If you aren't a goal person, set easy ones at first to get you started. Then gradually increase the level of difficulty.
10) "Sell buy" dates on cheese are not an exact science.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
The Beginning
In a talk to students at BYU-Hawaii, Elder M. Russell Ballard encouraged members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to "join the conversation by participating on the Internet, particularly the New Media, to share the gospel and to explain in simple and clear terms the message of the Restoration." I have long wanted to share my spiritual journey with any who are willing to listen. I do not feel as though my story is unique, though it is one that is rarely, if ever, told. I am a proud member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I am gay.
Now hold on you valiant LDS members. Before you start screaming blasphemy, hear me out. For most of my life, I have had an attraction to the same sex. I felt ostracized from my family and my friends. Because of my feelings of isolation, I rebelled against my religion and my family. Through my rebellion, however, I could never convince myself to completely detach from my religion. I carried doubts of "What if my family is right?" and "What if there is a god and he doesn't want me to be gay?"
After a series of events, which I will certainly describe in later blogs, I decided to put the gospel of Jesus Christ to the test. I knew that if I wanted to be in a same sex relationship, I would have to know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was not the true church. Over the coming months, I immersed myself in scripture study and prayer. I attended meetings and even accepted a calling in the ward. Ever so slowly, the spirit of truth and righteousness crept into my life until I knew that I could not deny the truthfulness and goodness of the Savior.
Ultimately, I came to the knowledge that God had a plan for me, and that this plan did not entail pursuing a relationship with someone of the same sex. In fact, for the time being, it does entail me pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone.
I have thought about what I want to accomplish with this blog and who I want to reach out to. Over the last several years, I have searched for someone who has a similar story to mine. Someone who had same sex attraction but believed that God had a greater plan for their life. I longed for someone to share their story with me. For me to be able to ask them questions and learn from their experience. To know that someone else has walked this path. I have not found that person as of yet, so I hope to become what I longed for. I also hope to touch the lives of the parents, siblings, extended family members, and friends of those who are gay. I want to give them comfort and faith that all may be well.
I do not profess to have all the answers and I do not profess to be perfect. I do not claim that my path is one which all people need to take. I only wish to inspire and give hope to those who may need it.
I leave you for now with my simple, humble testimony. I know there is a god in Heaven. I know that he loves me and I know that he loves you. I know that Jesus Christ came to this earth and paid the ultimate price of death so that we may return to our Father in Heaven, clean and pure. I know that prayer is a magnificent tool and that our Father in Heaven is ready and willing to pour out blessings upon us if we ask and are ready to receive them. I have hope that I can find true joy in this lifetime by obedience to the commandments. I have hope that God will support me in my trials. I have hope that my choice to lay aside my personal desires and to serve God will bring more happiness than I could obtain otherwise.
May God watch over you and bless you.
Now hold on you valiant LDS members. Before you start screaming blasphemy, hear me out. For most of my life, I have had an attraction to the same sex. I felt ostracized from my family and my friends. Because of my feelings of isolation, I rebelled against my religion and my family. Through my rebellion, however, I could never convince myself to completely detach from my religion. I carried doubts of "What if my family is right?" and "What if there is a god and he doesn't want me to be gay?"
After a series of events, which I will certainly describe in later blogs, I decided to put the gospel of Jesus Christ to the test. I knew that if I wanted to be in a same sex relationship, I would have to know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was not the true church. Over the coming months, I immersed myself in scripture study and prayer. I attended meetings and even accepted a calling in the ward. Ever so slowly, the spirit of truth and righteousness crept into my life until I knew that I could not deny the truthfulness and goodness of the Savior.
Ultimately, I came to the knowledge that God had a plan for me, and that this plan did not entail pursuing a relationship with someone of the same sex. In fact, for the time being, it does entail me pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone.
I have thought about what I want to accomplish with this blog and who I want to reach out to. Over the last several years, I have searched for someone who has a similar story to mine. Someone who had same sex attraction but believed that God had a greater plan for their life. I longed for someone to share their story with me. For me to be able to ask them questions and learn from their experience. To know that someone else has walked this path. I have not found that person as of yet, so I hope to become what I longed for. I also hope to touch the lives of the parents, siblings, extended family members, and friends of those who are gay. I want to give them comfort and faith that all may be well.
I do not profess to have all the answers and I do not profess to be perfect. I do not claim that my path is one which all people need to take. I only wish to inspire and give hope to those who may need it.
I leave you for now with my simple, humble testimony. I know there is a god in Heaven. I know that he loves me and I know that he loves you. I know that Jesus Christ came to this earth and paid the ultimate price of death so that we may return to our Father in Heaven, clean and pure. I know that prayer is a magnificent tool and that our Father in Heaven is ready and willing to pour out blessings upon us if we ask and are ready to receive them. I have hope that I can find true joy in this lifetime by obedience to the commandments. I have hope that God will support me in my trials. I have hope that my choice to lay aside my personal desires and to serve God will bring more happiness than I could obtain otherwise.
May God watch over you and bless you.
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